I’ve mentioned before on the blog that I have a history of depression. There was a point, for about 4 or 5 months, where it was so bad all the time that I frequently thought about killing myself. Frequently as in every day, most of the day. I even made what one might call suicidal gestures (doing dangerous things, but not actually getting to the point).
I got past it with therapy and medication (which I’ve been able to come off now) and loads of support. When I look back and remember who I was then, how I felt then, I don’t blame myself for wanting what I did. Depression is a terrible illness, it eats away at your mind and your reasoning and shows you things clearly but without perspective. Yelling at a depressed person, telling them to cheer up, is like telling someone who’s been in an accident to learn to walk again without giving them physical therapy.
Watching this week’s House episode (no spoiler in this article, but you knew from its teaser that someone would die), I decided to do something that I’ve thought about for a while but never concretized.
Sometimes, when something very good happens or when I’m just feeling supremely calm and happy with the way things are, I think to myself, “Good. If I were dead, I couldn’t have done that/be here right now.”
So I thought I’d list some of the things, very big and very small, that I wouldn’t have been able to do if I’d killed myself at 19. Parents and relatives I know you read this blog and I want to warn you that the list may make you cry, as it made me when I wrote it.
- I would never have gotten married–there’s so much I would have missed. Micah would also not have had a wife, at least probably not for a while.
- I never would have gotten to see my mom’s resiliance and will to live in the face of the cancer that crushed my own will to live.
- I would never have started this blog and formed some amazing relationships.
- I would never have learned the difference between a 401(k) and a Roth IRA.
- I would never have started consulting on blogs and learned/done so much.
- I would never have seen two of my friends start dating and get married–and it might not have happened, as I was very involved in the beginning of their relationship.
- I would never have started the beautiful quilt I’m about to finish and that I’m enjoying so much.
- I would never have installed Ubuntu Linux dual boot on my old laptop.
- I would never have made it to a point where I wasn’t crying for hours every night.
- I would never have seen my roommate go to Palestine.
- I would never have met so many people whose friendship I now treasure.
- I would never have seen my little sister graduate from highschool.
- I would never have seen how beautiful my mom looked at my wedding.
- I would never have seen how happy Micah looked at our wedding.
- I would never have sewn two wedding gowns.
- I would never have cut my own hair.
- I would never have written my senior project.
- I would never have been to San Diego or Seattle or Michigan or Massachusetts or New Hampshire.
- I would never have visited my friend Danielle’s grave.
- I would never have written over 16,000 words of fiction and counting.
- I would never have seen so many movies I enjoyed.
- I would never have seen the tv series Firefly, Buffy, Angel, Torchwood–all of which I’ve totally geeked out over.
- I would never have reread Middlemarch or read Harry Potter, Maurice, The Berlin Stories, Season of Migration to the North…
- I would never have listened to the musicals Notre Dame de Paris, Avenue Q, Wicked, Rent, Hairspray…
- I would never have lived with most of my college roommates/housemates.
- I would never have learned any PHP or heard of WordPress.
- I would never have heard the new Foo Fighters album or Weezer album. And they’re both fantastic!
- I would never have sung Rutter’s Requium (or even heard it!).
- I would never have used a hair clip.
- I would never have bought my awesome hat.
- I would never have graduated from college (summa cum laude, baby!)
- I would never have had pillow talk about Plato’s Republic (yes, this happens when you marry a philosopher).
- I would never have seen my cousin’s baby, who, I contend, is the sweetest, cutest baby ever born. (And I would not have seen her sister’s baby overcome a condition that nearly killed him an hour after birth.)
- I would never have learned that I like yogurt.
- I would never have completed National Novel Writing Month.
- I would never have donated bone marrow stem cells which may have saved a life.
Some of those have been big moments in my life, some have been tiny ones that I’m glad I was here for. There are so many more that I can’t even write because the thought of missing them is so painful. There are others that aren’t coming to mind right now but that would make me say, if I remembered, “yes, I’m glad I was there for that.” Little things like lovely walks along the college creek with friends, teatime at with my housemates. Even painful things, because they have meaning too.
If you’re reading this and have been thinking of killing yourself, I’m asking you to hold on for at least one more day. You’ve held on for so many, hold on for a few more while you get help. It won’t fix everything right away, but things are fixable–there are ways to be happy, even for short periods, despite the nothing and the ridiculousness of it all. And I’ve found that those periods get longer and longer.
I’m not going to say “there’s so much to live for” because that’s trite and it’s hard to see that it’s true until afterward. But 4 years later I am so very glad that I lived.
If you need someone to talk to, you can call: 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255 (in the States) or 08457 90 90 90 (in the UK) or check out http://www.befrienders.org/. Or if you don’t feel you can speak about it, you can e-mail with: [email protected] (these e-mails will be answered by a real person, so there can be a delay). These people can also help you find support in your local area.
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This is one of the best “I am grateful for” posts I have ever read. Hands down.
I’m sorry you had to experience depression (BFF went through that) but I’m glad you’re past it, and we’re all happy to have you in the blogosphere, sharing your experience with us, and making us be just a little bit more aware about life.
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I loved this post! Thank you for sharing your personal experience on a very serious subject.
I’m including it as the post of week in my round-up this weekend.
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Thanks for this post. I blog about my battle with depression and it has helped me a lot. It has probably been the biggest battle of my life.
I need to do a list like you did. Thanks for inspiring me.
What a wonderful post. I know I don’t know you well, but it moved me to tears.
I suffered from depression in my teens too, so I know how painful it can be. I’m so glad that you are here sharing your wisdom and words with us. 🙂
And to think I was witness to #35 (on Twitter) makes me happy. Everyone should like yogurt. 😉
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@FB, thank you.
@Laura, thank you.
@Jen, I’m glad you also find writing about it helps. I think that it is/was the biggest battle I’ve fought as well–also the one most worth winning.
@Kelly, until last week, I would not have agreed about yogurt. 🙂
This made me cry too, in a good way.
bluntmoney’s last blog post: It feels like the antithesis of responsibility
You made me cry.
Hugs, Mrs. Micah and thank you for sharing this. I just know it will help someone.
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I’m certainly glad you are here, too, Mrs. Micah – to share such beautiful thoughts with us, your fans! I’m also glad I get to count you as a virtual friend!
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Life is beautiful. And I’m glad you are still here to experience and enjoy everything there is about it. 🙂
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I think the blogging community would be much worse off if we didn’t have you (major understatement)!
Thanks for talking about this topic. I can imagine it being a difficult thing to talk about but by putting your story out there you help people realize that depression can happen to everyone and there are others out there who feel similar. Just knowing you aren’t alone in your emotions can be a great help.
I’ve had those Peter Gabriel/Kate Bush “Don’t Give Up” moments and they aren’t fun. Your emotions spiral down from bad to worse.
Thanks for sharing!
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@bluntmoney glad in a good way. There are so many small, beautiful things in life.
@Emily, I hope so. I know your post about your husband’s depression made me feel less alone (as Micah struggles with it too, even more now than I do).
@FrugalDad, I’m glad to have you as a virtual friend as well. The PF blogging community is a great one to be part of.
@Patrick, yes it is.
@FFB, thank you and you’re welcome. 🙂 It was difficult to write, but more difficult to hit publish.
I’m glad you’re here! *sending virtual hugs your way*
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What a beautiful essay! Thank you for hanging around to share your lovely spirit with the world.
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This is an incredible post and I know that it will help many people. Like you said, telling someone there’s so much to live for is way too abstract. Your list puts it in perspective. Even when we are trapped in our darkest moments, it’s important to see that there are a million little and big moments in our lives. Some will be happy and some not, but they all teach us something. Thanks so much for sharing your experience.
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Aw, hugs
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@Kacie, hugs received, thanks. 🙂
@Funny, thank you.
@Amelia, to tell you the truth, when I look at the big big picture, I sometimes feel the same fear that I did when I was depressed because it’s so general and vague. Only now the big big picture isn’t staring me in the face every day. But when I look at the small picture, all these little things, I realize how blessed and how happy and content I am.
@Andrew, thanks for all the support you’ve given. 🙂
I’m really glad you stuck around.
You are right, when you’re depressed, the world seems so dark it seems utterly inconceivable things will ever change. But that’s the amazing thing. You never know what another day will bring. We don’t have crystal balls, but that’s one of the wonderful things about life, we never know what gifts the future holds for us.
Mrs. Micah, thanks for writing this post, I think it was one of your most powerful and moving posts. I’m sure it couldn’t have been easy to write, but I know that it is already helping others just from the comments left here. I know it choked me up.
You have been extremely helpful to me personally as you were one of the bloggers that gave me a helping hand when I was first starting out. So I am very thankful for you, and you have made an impact on me.
I have someone close to me who has struggled with depression as well, and it is often very misunderstood. Thank you for this post, it really helps to explain it a bit more for people, including me.
God bless you!
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Very powerful, thank you for sharing Mrs. Micah. I had an aunt who took her own life (before I was even born) and the devastating impact it had on my mother and her whole family for decades was awful.
I’m very glad you are here.
DebtKid’s last blog post: Getting a mortgage after foreclosure not so simple
I have a history of depression too, but what I go through is relatively mild–except three years ago after I had surgery. I was in such a dark hole one night, and I realized, if I knew I was going to feel this way every day for the rest of my life, I would kill myself.
Fortunately, I was able to see the light and work my way out of it. If I hadn’t been able to recognize the little bit of hope that remained in my life, who knows where I’d be
I really think of that night as a blessing. Because once I did reach the light, it was beautiful. It also gave me the chance to empathize with those whose symptoms are worse than mine, which is an understanding everyone would be lucky to have.
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Wow, what a powerful testimony. Thank you so much for sharing and I am so thankful that you got to experience all of those things.
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I think you are so sweet and I wish you lived closer to me so we could be friends!! ((HUGS)) I don’t think anyone can understand depression unless they’ve been there. I’m glad you are here!!
Mrs. Money’s last blog post: If you were given a specific amount of time to live, what would you do?
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope such openness will help others see that they are not alone in feeling hopeless. I’ve learned to cope with my own depression, but there was a time in my life that it was too much to bear. It would have gone much better if there were understanding people around to help. Now I try to find beauty and joy every day and feel lucky to still be alive.
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This is such a brave post. I’m proud of you for being able to write it in such wonderful terms. I know we’re all glad you’re still around and I hope your words make someone else think about what they might miss if they are considering suicide. You never know what the future holds.
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@fern one thing I felt at the time was that it would always be the same. But as you say, we have no crystal balls–and life is normally a lot better and worse than we predict.
@Bible Money Matters thank you. 🙂 I’m glad I’ve been able to help.
@DebtKid I’m sorry to hear about your aunt. Knowing that might happen was one of the biggest things that kept me going.
@K.Rae sounds like some good came out of it. I think I appreciate life a lot more than before. I’ve also had several people ask me for help w/their struggles because I was open about mine. And my husband’s depressive, so it helps me know where he’s coming from!
@myprettypennies thank you.
@Mrs. Money well if you ever come to DC, let me know! 🙂
@Miss M I’m glad we’re both still alive. 🙂 Some people are much better at helping depressed people than others. Fortunately, I had a few great people in my life at the time. Good luck in your continued coping.
@Megan I hope so too.
Thank you Mrs. M for this post. I suffered from depression all through High School and 4 years ago I came very close to death. But thanks be to God and my faith, I’m in a much better place in my life and everyday I remind myself of all the things I would’ve missed out on too. Thank you again for your courage to share a tough topic!
I was touched by these words. So thankful you have overcome and accomplished all that you have.
You have been a wonderful resource to me these past weeks and I am very thankful to know you.
Jeremiah 29:11
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This is really a beautiful and touching post. You know that I and your Mother are very grateful that you made it through.
It is true that so much of value in your life has been since the crisis.
It is very frustrating for older people like me to hear a person at 13, 16, 18, 20 or 25 say since that happened there is no future for me. But it is very hard to know what answer to present to them.
There are many of us who have been through these kind of crises and know what it means to get to the other side. It is life renewed.
Depression is a very serious illness. I don’t mean feeling down a few days. Everyone gets that. But true depression has the feeling of hopelessness that stays with you day after day and month after month.
Your notes at the end are very helpful. These people need to seek out help. Especially from people who are not involved in the problem and who can approach it without bias. You’re right, you don’t just cheer up and get over it! But you can get over it with help. You did and I hope many others because of what you shared will do so as well.
What a great post – I don’t know much about depression so it’s interesting to hear it from someone who has been there.
I’m very glad you are still alive and blogging.
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@repo2riches glad to hear that you also made it out the other side. 🙂
@Servant I’m glad I’ve been able to help you. Look forward to knowing you better.
@Dad you and Mom are part of what helped keep me going. It made a real difference that you didn’t see this as a moral failing on my part.
@Four Pillars, while I don’t think you can really understand it unless you’ve been there, I think it’s good for the non-depressed to learn about it as it helps them learn what will and won’t help.
Mrs. Micah,
So glad that you are winning your battle. The real tragedy of a young suicide is that, so often, had they managed to get through it, things would have dramatically improved. So much of it is often merely hormones and the continuing development of the brain. I spent my entire adolescence gloomy and depressed. For the last nearly two decades, I have been the most content, even-keeled, and stable person I know. I hope you’ll be able to say something similar a couple of decades from now.
However, I must stage an intervention here. Torchwood? Torchwood? Really?
OMG girl, you are SO open and honest – how wonderful!!! I hope people that are going through similar stuff take the time to read this and really get help 🙂 you are an amazing woman over there, keep being strong!
and i also love seeing ya at the DC Happy Hours and stuff…esp when you talk about FanBoy stuff. haha…
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Thank you for sharing this brave, well-written, heartfelt post.
It took courage to show this to the world, I bet. Thank you.
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Thank you.
My mother committed suicide, after a history of depression and alcoholism, when I was 6.5 years old. It truly breaks my heart to think of everything she has missed. It has taught me to appreciate each day, with the good and the bad it brings.
Wow, what a great story.
Depression is such a silent killer – I know a few friends who suffer from it.
Most people just don’t understand what people with depression go through.
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Thank you so much for sharing. You prompted me to write my own post about what I would have missed if I had killed myself.
Thanks again. It was great to think of all the things I would have missed, and to be thankful for those thing, big and small.
Divorced Lifestyle’s last blog post: Depression
@Andrew Stevens I agree, my brain has made a number of changes–even excepting the meds. I’d apologize for liking Torchwood, but the reason I like it is the reason I like Joss Whedon’s stuff. It’s not the same, but they both appeal to the geek in me. 🙂
@J. It’s been great meeting/networking with you. PF blogger meetups are one of the things I’m glad I was here for!
@Jamie thanks.
@Elizabeth I’m sorry to hear about your mother. I’m glad you’re able to appreciate what you have.
@TStrump it’s unfortunately quite misunderstood–and because of that, so few people talk about it and so others don’t know how much they’re suffering or how to help them. It’s a vicious cycle.
@Divorced Lifestyle thank you for your response post. There are a lot of great things you’ve been able to do and see! 🙂
I’m so glad you’re still here to share your story with us! I’m sure your message will give hope to others who feel alone in their hopeslessness. You may never know how many lives you’ve touched with your heartfelt post.
We would all have missed a lot without your wonderful posts, but this is a particularly powerful one which gives voice to the power of the human spirit to overcome obstacles.
It also illustrates the joys of a gratitude list. I enjoyed reading about all the things, big & small that you are grateful for.
That’s something I’ve started many times, but never kept. I think I’ll start a new list on my computer and this time I’ll keep it to review at those times when I need a boost.
Hugs & blessings to you for sharing this~!
This was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your very personal struggle. I find it disturbing that mental illnesses are often not taken as seriously as physical ones. I’m so glad you’re better now!
@Diane thank you. 🙂 I’ve got more of a list for my personal use on my computer. It’s really encouraging to keep updating it.
@Vered thank you. I find that disturbing as well. I think that because they affect more about how people interact with others, instead of having mere physical symptoms, people have a harder time accepting that they’re similar.
Thanks for sharing that, Mrs. Micah. Depression is a tough thing to get through (been there, done that), but it’s worth working through. Your post reminds me of a country song that’s popular now. I don’t know the name of it, but the line in my head right now is, “Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride.”
What a coincidence! I was thinking internally how I’m glad I didn’t either. Thank you for sharing. You’re very gutsy, open and bold to share such a personal experience.
I struggled through junior high and high school with depression and thought many times about doing the deed, but only came close once when I broke up with a girlfriend in my senior year of high school. I was heartbroken. I then struggled with it on and off in college, but I had good friends there to keep me busy. It struck again over the summer of my senior year, again when I was dumped, but had no one around to keep me company.
Even recently in my work at a federal contractor, I’ve felt very lonely and isolated. The stress from school and my side businesses hasn’t helped, but I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not from an oncoming train. Thanks for sharing and providing a format if I ever release my deep, dark secret.
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Still crying after reading through all the comments. What courage this took to write. I, too, suffer from debilitating depression that I’ve only just begun to deal with at the age of 43. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve considered suicide. If it were not for the pain it would cause my wife, I’m quite sure I would not be alive today. Thank you for inspiring me to make my own list.
Therapy doesn’t work for me and I won’t consider meds. My little ray of hope has been a very thoughtful book that I found at the library. “The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself From Chronic Unhappiness”. I finally felt like someone understood and there are excellent strategies presented.
Thank you for your clarity and vulnerability.
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With you on #22. The great works of the very great Joss Whedon & co are 50% of the reason I’ve been able to sleep and function at all for the last decade or so. Better than medication. Maybe they should come on prescription.
Although re: Andrew Stevens: um, Torchwood and no Dr Who? Dr Who, which kicks Torchwood’s sorry arse all over Gallifrey and back?
I just stumbled across this blog for the first time today and wanted to tell you how moved I was by this post. Thank you for having the courage to share your story and your gratitude.
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If my ex husband had not killed himself he would have seen his beautiful daughter go to her prom this year, his son acti in off off off broadway and our youngest daughter graduate 8th grade in one more month. I would never had to explain to the three of them that he took his own life, explain to dozens of friends and family that yes he was in counseling no he wasnt taking his medication. I would never have to listen to my 20 year old cry about his fear of turning into his father, or that his sisters would. Instead of grief counseling and regular counseling my children would only have to be in family counseling to deal with some things.
Please if you are ever going to think about killing yourself, reach out to someone. Get through one more day, realize that people love you, take your medicine, ask for help. Please dont kill yourself, the people you leave behind suffer more than you will ever know.
Brave post. I recently wrote about my own (current and past) struggles with depression. Also found a terrific book, purely by accident, about depression called Shoot the Damn Dog.
This stuff isn’t easy. The stigma that arises from the silence we all keep… That just makes it harder. I like the point in the book that depression messes with your brain chemicals, so it quite literally changes how you think. There’s nothing to be ashamed of about that.
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Thank you for sharing and inspiring me to make my own list!
And I would not have gotten some of the better advice I have ever got.
I, too, thank God that no such thing happened.
Here’s to wishing you a long, healthy, happy and prosperous life.
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Great post, and a perfect time to find a link to it in my email. Right at the moment, I’m havin a bit of trouble comin up with reasons not to die, and it’s helped.
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I think I should start my own list. I’ve been happy recently, but that was never a given. I need to remind myself of the decisions I have made that brought me to this, so I keep making them in the same vein. Thank you.
you just saved my life
This post is so inspirational. Thanks for sharing, and thank you for talking a little about how to approach a depressed person and the severity of what it does to one’s emotional state. I learned a lot from reading your post.
I think your post has the potential to reach (and already has reached, from the comments) many. I like to make lists of “what I’m grateful for†and your list made me smile. 🙂 I’m proud of you for overcoming depression!
Glad you are here with us too! Stay strong!
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I’m glad you are here, thank you for posting this.
I’m glad that my own depression was minor, more due to the swirling chaotic hormones of the transtion from child to adult, called ‘teen-ager’.
For me, my daily battle is in seeing my self-worth. That I can do more than I believe I can, that the limits I see are only there because I put them there myself.
Yay, Torchwood! I haven’t seen it yet, though I have been meaning to. I’m still ‘geeked out’ with the newer series of Dr. Who. If Torchwood is anywhere near as good, I’ll be hooked on it, too.
I was looking for something else when I found your blog.
Thanks a lot for posting this.
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