If you want to save your marriage, it’s going to take a lot of work on both sides. PLEASE find a good, good couples counselor. Go alone if you have to. In fact, go even if you don’t want to save this marriage because you need to figure out how you got here in the first place so it’ll never, ever happen again. (Sad to say, but I’ve seen women fall again and again for guys like that who use them.)

But also, reconsider if enabling your husband is really going to help your son’s financial security. Your husband is bleeding you dry and you need to be there for your son. It sounds like you need to protect what assets you have that remain, even if that means that your husband has to suffer some consequences for his actions. And I’d definitely reconsidering paying off his computer — and other things — if he’s going to be such an unappreciative jerk.

In November 2008 I found out that he had amassed €55,000 worth of debt in total (the rest was credit card debt and over draft). He had been missing payments since June of 2008. I used my savings and the wedding money to pay off €8000 of credit card debt. My husband had taken out a loan for the rest of the credit card debt. I took on the burden of all the bills and groceries so he could work on his overdraft and make his loan payments. No he has lost his job and I am paying off his debts. I am very depressed at the moment because my husband does not seem to appreciate that sacrifices I have made to help him over the past year. He won’t even let me use his computer or laptop even though I am paying off the loan he took out for the laptop. This summer, I found out that he only took out the 5 year loan for the €30,000 in 2007 after I met him. So we are two and a half years away from paying his debt off instead of one year. I am very angry with my husband at the moment. I have invested so much of my time and energy into getting rid of this debt. I can’t afford to pay them for much longer and my husband is had a over-draft again before he lost his job. I don’t understand where his money went. He earned much more than me. We don’t even have a house. The only reason I am still helping my husband now is because I fear for my sons future financial security and well being.

How did it get on your credit in the first place, do you know?

Our financial arrangement is like this:

1. We determined our total household expenses (THE). THE = living expenses + joint savings. Living expenses includes money set aside for things that are not daily necessities such as vacations, medical emergencies, magazine subcriptions, etc.

2. If THE = X, then we determine how much each would contribute to the joint coffers based on how much each is earning. Let’s say I earn more. A %age distribution could be my spouse contributing 35% of the THE and me contributing 65%.

3. What’s left of our salaries, after those contributions are paid, go to our individual accounts. Those individual accounts are for each person’s non-communal expenses. I use it when I want to buy him gifts, splurge on clothes for me, etc., etc. Each spouse also uses their own individual accounts to pay for debts incurred before the marriage. If one spouse wants to help the other pay off the other spouse’s debt, then that spouse can transfer funds from his/her individual account to the other spouse’s individual account. Each spouse can also choose to transfer funds from their individual accounts to the joint funds.

I contribute to paying my spouse’s student loans. I wouldn’t feel obliged to contribute to paying someone’s else’s gambling debts.

I like this arrangement because it makes sure there’s always a backup in case one of the spouses goes “bad.” I’m sure some would think “How could you have so little faith? How could you not know your husband/wife?” I’ve worked with enough battered women as a volunteer that I know it’s not always possible to know when a spouse is already addicted to some vice. Keeping individual accounts assures that a family doesn’t go hungry when one of the spouses empties the joint funds.

i think it’s sort of like the commenter above; it would be silly for us to ever live at different lifestyle levels! why not pitch in on “our” debt?

as for if we split up, then i know that i willingly paid toward his debt and it’s just a past expense. i sure hope that never happens, but it’s on me to know that he doesn’t “owe” me anything if i help with his expenses, any more than i’d owe him for the mortgage that’s under his name.