Comments on: Planning End of Life Care and the Five Wishes

By: The Friday Gathering: Japanese Maple Edition

The Friday Gathering: Japanese Maple Edition — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:05:43 +0000

[...] Planning End of Life Care and the Five Wishes – - Death isn’t something we want to think about, but something that will occur, sooner or later. Mrs. Micah shares a site that’s like a living will called five wishes. [...]

By: Funny about Money

Funny about Money — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 00:10:22 +0000

You must be sure to give someone you trust medical power of attorney.

My father had a living will that explicitly said what he wanted–or more to the point, did NOT want–should he ever be in exactly the state he fell into after a stroke at the age of 84. His doctor (aptly named “Dr. Mort”–no joke!) refused to honor it. My stepmother, who had medical power of attorney, had to fight to keep my father from being intubated and otherwise tortured to keep him alive artificially. As a result, Dr. Mort quit.

If a doctor doesn’t want to abide by a patient’s living will, all he has to do is walk away. When a doctor “fires” a patient, it’s almost impossible to get another doctor to step in. I was unable to do so.

Consequently, my father was transferred to a nursing home, where he was given no pain-killers or palliative care of any kind. He died of thirst and concomitant kidney failure. Anyone who tells you that dying of thirst is an easy way to go (something I recently saw on a site somewhere in the blogosphere) is mistaken.

My father was 84 years old and a cardiac invalid. He repeatedly told me that had he known how much he would suffer after he had his heart attack (at the age of 80, when doctors responded with a quadruple bypass), he would never have called for help. He was ready to go. But his doctor, who was determined to keep him alive no matter in what state, disregarded his explicit wishes.

You can’t rely on a doctor, even one you think is trustworthy, to make these decisions.

By: Trent Hamm

Trent Hamm — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:15:57 +0000

If you’re concerned about someone, talk to them about it. Have the courage to start that conversation with them – it’s really important. If you don’t know how to even get started, try reading Charles Schwab’s book “It Pays to Talk” – check it out at the library. It certainly helped me a lot with figuring out how to talk to my family about such hard issues.

By: plonkee

plonkee — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 11:13:07 +0000

I think the reason that this is important isn’t so much for the person concerned, as for their family/friends. Feeling that you are following someone else’s wishes can be extremely comforting. In that vein, it might be better not to be more specific than necessary – things often don’t turn out the way we envisage.

By: cybele

cybele — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 08:31:49 +0000

My sister-in-law and mother-in-law, both of whom died within the last few years, were pretty specific about how they wanted to live out their last days and hours and we learned from both.
In my sister-in-law’s case, she specifically did not want life support, knowing, as she did, the consequences of ALS (a form of sclerosis, aka Lou Gehrig’s disease)…and…she wanted to give away some money she had saved to some of her more needy friends. She typed a note to ask that we buy 9 envelopes, but never managed to tell us who the friends were, and then quite suddenly died. We looked through her things and her lists and her last scrawled notes and made an educated guess and made 9 friends happy. It would have been nice, though, to know that we’d picked the right ones. On the other hand, had she lived, she would have needed the money, of course, so it was rather a late thought, I suppose.
My mother-in-law, on the other hand, never talked about what care she did and didn’t want, so we had to make those decisions for her when she was in a coma. On the other hand, she’d filled out a little book with all the things you’d need to know, including her name, birth date, social security number, and all the details of her funeral — where, what music, which minister, which hymns, cremation or not, and so on. She also listed the things she specifically wanted to go to one person or another — jewelry, mostly, but also things like some crystal glasses and various other items. (She never made a will, despite years of urging, but this worked fine.) It was a great help because we all felt we were doing what she wanted.
One of my other relatives-in-law did the same…she even specified what to serve at the coffee afterwards; and, she left a letter to each of her children, written a few years before and a bit out of date, but full of her love and hopes for them.
I’ve learned from all of this, but I’m not in a hurry to learn more from similar experiences. May those I love outlive me!

By: Ryan S.@uncommon-cents.net

Ryan S.@uncommon-cents.net — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 06:13:25 +0000

In real life, I’m a social worker in a medical center, so I have a lot of experience with this stuff. I tell everyone I can to do your AHCD and do it now, and update it when necessary. The Five Wishes is a great document but it’s not valid in every single state; check the laws of your state to see if it applies. Suze Orman has or used to have a pretty cheap CD that would produce AHCDs and wills; that may be a great way to go. Those of us where I work will do AHCDs for people and get it notarized (provided we can find an available notary) for free!

By: Susan

Susan — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 01:09:36 +0000

I’m so sorry to hear about your mother and your friend. Both very difficult situations.

It’s wise to consider a health care power of attorney and/or an advanced directive, especially if you have specific requests regarding your care in the event you are unable to make your own decisions.

Filling out a will and updating it when necessary is also another important thing to do.

By: Nicole

Nicole — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:23:12 +0000

It’s a hard thing to be thinking about but one that more people need to consider. You don’t want your loved ones to have to make these tough choices. Trying to figure out my own father’s wishes days after he died was difficult on a lot of levels… the less people have to go through that, the better!

By: Cath Lawson

Cath Lawson — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:00:36 +0000

Hi Mrs M – that sounds like a great idea. I think I’ll check it out. As you said – you just never know when the end will come.

Mind you, you have to be so careful that people who have your true interests at heart are aware of these documents. I knew one woman whose husband made a living will and she went against his wishes with many things because – she couldn’t be bothered! He even missed out on the private healthcare he’d paid into for years.

By: Aryn

Aryn — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:35:01 +0000

Go to http://compassionandchoices.org to get free living will and healthcare power of attorney forms for your state emailed to you.