Last week, I asked for peoples ideas on how to hide money from an abusive spouse/parter. I realized that my site didn’t have enough information for someone in a real predicament and wanted to remedy that. You responded wonderfully, and I’ll be doing a short series about it. I’m not an expert and this isn’t professional advice. If you are in an abusive situation, there are ways out. Every situation is different, but I don’t believe any is hopeless. At the end, I’ll include some resources I discovered. And if you can’t save money, you can still get out.
Lin at TellinItLikeItIs left a great response to my post asking for advice. She followed that up with a post today on why you need to know how to hide money from your husband. It includes links to other posts she’s done on getting out of an abusive marriage.
Here’s the text of her comment, which I feel deserves its own spotlight too:
A mutual friend sent me this post through StumbleUpon and asked me to chime in, and said she told you she would do so.
Having been in such a situation myself in a previous abusive marriage/relationship, there are a number of things that someone can do to hide money from an abusive husband or wife. (Keywords applied just in case).
A woman that is in an abusive relationship and is trying to escape by hiding money from her spouse may not feel emotionally safe to trust another man.
That is not to say that a man wouldn’t be willing to help her hide money, but a woman that is being abused is much more likely to trust another woman to help her find a hiding place for money.
I was able to hide money from my abusive husband for six months in order to save the money needed to file for divorce and get a restraining order. I did this by secretly working part time during the hours my children were in school, and I was always home before he was, so he never found out about my job (until he received the divorce papers).
My boss knew the situation and was willing to cash my paychecks for me, so I always had cash to deposit/otherwise I would have gone to one of those “check cashing” places. I set up a bank account in my best friends name and her address (I told the bank I was newly separated), and the bank was told NOT to send any statements at all. I was able to access the hidden bank account online (always while at work or at my friends house).
It’s very important that anyone trying to hide money from an abusive husband or wife be very careful not to discuss the escape plans with anyone other than the person helping hide the money. Family members are too emotionally connected to the situation, and the chances of the abusive spouse finding out about the hidden money is very risky.
After two months of saving as much money as possible, I began making advanced payments to my divorce lawyer just to be sure there was no chance of the hidden money being discovered by my husband before I had enough money saved to escape. It worked like a charm!
Here’s Part 1 with my ideas on banking. If you post something related to this series, please let me know and I’ll post about it and link back.
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Good job! I really believe our collaborated efforts will greatly benefit these women.
Before writing my article on how to hide money from an abusive husband I searched the internet with those exact keywords, and all I could find was snippets of questions and responses on a yahoo groups etc, but absolutely no post title or post headline that pinpointed the topic. Now that has been accomplished, and I truly hope abused women will seek help and fast.
Thank you so much for your efforts in bringing awareness to this very important topic.
I think these are great posts. I’m really glad you’re doing them. I think your suggestions and Lin’s are excellent, although I don’t know much about the issue…
ms. m&p,
The numbers of women being abused by husbands and boyfriends are steadily increasing, and having been in the situation myself, doing all I/we can to bring greater awareness of the variety of ways of leaving an abusive relationship is one I am extremely passionate about.
It makes me sad sometimes when I check my stats on where traffic is coming from to my blog and posts, and many are women searching online for help. I’m just glad I can do my part to provide assistance in some way.
I’m glad you posted this. I don’t have any experience with this, but my heart and support/sympathy goes out to those who do.
I met a woman on the train one day, and she said she had been married to a wealthy and abusive man who wouldn’t allow her to work. She married young and within her proper social circle, so neither her family or friends would support her when she wanted to leave. No one would believe it was as bad as she said.
I can’t remember the exact details but she would go to the grocery store, that was one of the few places she could go and didn’t have to account for her time.
She’d buy extra items using her check card and return them and get the cash. He’d look at the reciept but didn’t try to account for the grocery item. She saved enough to leave and he had no idea.
I wanted to send this link to you. It’s a program run by the Allstate Foundation.
It’s about economic empowerment
for victims of domestic violence. The Allstate Foundation Domestic Violence Program.
http://www.econempowerment.org/
This is a great idea to post this, I have a different life situation that my family has been exposed to, I am going to research it to see if it has been blogged about. Thanks for making me think differently. I pray that the women in this situation find a way out.
When I realized I had to begin to gather money to get out, I has no one to help me. I got a job (he never knew), got paid in cash, and, I hid the cash in stuff that was mine. I hid it in large tampon boxes, I hid it in fake book safes because he never read books, I hid it inside my boots, removing the liners and stacking the money in them. I cut out a hole in the bottom of my closet (plasterboard wall) and hid lots of money inside the wall in zip lock bags. I would just replace the wall piece I had removed. I knew he would never see the spot and it would not provke suspicion. Also, I kept a packed sport sak in the event I had to leave in an emergency. In it was a book of all of the women’s shelters in my city, which I found at the local book store. I had one acquaintance who knew and said she and her husband would put me up for a couple of nights in an emergency. I had packed all of my important papers, his financial information, which I carefully made copies of over time. Finally, I left when he was not at home. The next time he heard from me was through court. Oh, I had also researched carefully various divorce lawyers, so I knew, in priority order, who to call to represent me. Good luck to anyone who has to go through this. It took me years to get over it.
Dana, Good for you!!!! You’ve got some great ideas for women trying to figure out how to hide money from abusive husbands! Excellent! I’m soo glad you had the strength and courage to do what you had to do. It’s a new lease on life and I hope all the best for you!