Ok, the first thing you’re thinking is probably “Is she abused?” No fortunately I’m not…read on to see why I’m posting this.
An abused woman may be feel that she needs to have some money once she escapes. However, that’s a tricky business and it’s very dependent on the situation. I had someone use that as a search term to get to my site today and I realized that I don’t have anything helpful to offer.
So I’m going to write my thoughts and then I’d appreciate it if you all chime in with your ideas. Then I’ll put it into a new full post. Since situations are so diverse, lots of ideas and points of view are appreciated. There’s no one answer.
If you think that this should have a full post, just link back and I’ll include a summary and a link to your site in the new post.
(I’m going to use my gender pronouns for abused women, but I’m aware that there are abused men out there who may need this too.)
Some ideas I had:
1. Do you have access to a trusted friend (female?) who you’re able to visit? If so, consider setting up a bank account using her address. The statements go there so you don’t have to worry about being found out. Unless you think the guy will go there too. She should be willing to hide the statements.
But if you’re really worried, consider getting the account in her name if you really really trust her. The statements will look ordinary. But the disadvantage is that you’d have to have her help you get the money out.
1a. If neither of these is an option, but you can get to a bank, talk to them about your situation. You don’t have to reveal everything, but explain that you don’t want notices coming to your address.
Now if you have either kind of bank account—store the information somewhere safe. Probably somewhere not your home. So if you have a debit card and check book, you need to find a place to hide those (ideas, readers?).
2. Do you have times of unrestricted internet access? It’s not a great option for making a lot of money, but you might consider making money with surveys and such and having it go to a private PayPal account set up with a special e-mail address your husband doesn’t know about. PayPal can link to your private bank account and dump the money there.
Or if you can’t get a bank account, your money can just sit in PayPal. Safely. The only downside is that you need bank account before you can get ahold of it. But maybe you can get one right after you leave and link it up to get the money. It’ll take a few days, but it may be your safest option.
If surveys aren’t your thing or aren’t bringing enough, go to Associated Content, Hubpages, etc and write for them anonymously. Again, get paid to your PayPal address. It’s not much, but it’s a start.
If you take your kids to the library, for example, you might be able to do this on the free internet computers while they read.
I don’t recommend hiding money from a non-abusive spouse.
If your spouse has a spending problem, it’s much healthier for your relationship to treat the problem not the symptoms. These are ideas for people who are being physically, psychologically, or emotionally hurt and have given up on the marriage.
Not hiding money doesn’t necessarily mean combining bank accounts in my book, but it means honesty and openness.
The Halton Women’s Place has a list of ideas and options for abused women who aren’t able/ready to leave just yet.
End Abuse has a Get Help page with some resources and safety-plan templates.
From the BBC, some information about how to tell if you’re in an abusive relationship. Rule of thumb: If you wonder that you might be, you probably are.
Remember, abuse can be control just as much as it can be violence. One of my roommates was in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship for about a year. Only after she left him did he become violent. She was a smart girl too, even studying to be a social worker. He was a “respectable” guy, studying to be a pastor. Being with an abuser doesn’t make you a bad or weak person. You may need counseling too, but they’re the one with the real problem.