The posts this post led to: Part 1 – Banking, Part 2 – How She Escaped, Part 3 – ATM Withdrawals.
Ok, the first thing you’re thinking is probably “Is she abused?” No fortunately I’m not…read on to see why I’m posting this.
An abused woman may be feel that she needs to have some money once she escapes. However, that’s a tricky business and it’s very dependent on the situation. I had someone use that as a search term to get to my site today and I realized that I don’t have anything helpful to offer.
So I’m going to write my thoughts and then I’d appreciate it if you all chime in with your ideas. Then I’ll put it into a new full post. Since situations are so diverse, lots of ideas and points of view are appreciated. There’s no one answer.
If you think that this should have a full post, just link back and I’ll include a summary and a link to your site in the new post.
(I’m going to use my gender pronouns for abused women, but I’m aware that there are abused men out there who may need this too.)
Some ideas I had:
1. Do you have access to a trusted friend (female?) who you’re able to visit? If so, consider setting up a bank account using her address. The statements go there so you don’t have to worry about being found out. Unless you think the guy will go there too. She should be willing to hide the statements.
But if you’re really worried, consider getting the account in her name if you really really trust her. The statements will look ordinary. But the disadvantage is that you’d have to have her help you get the money out.
1a. If neither of these is an option, but you can get to a bank, talk to them about your situation. You don’t have to reveal everything, but explain that you don’t want notices coming to your address.
Now if you have either kind of bank account—store the information somewhere safe. Probably somewhere not your home. So if you have a debit card and check book, you need to find a place to hide those (ideas, readers?).
2. Do you have times of unrestricted internet access? It’s not a great option for making a lot of money, but you might consider making money with surveys and such and having it go to a private PayPal account set up with a special e-mail address your husband doesn’t know about. PayPal can link to your private bank account and dump the money there.
Or if you can’t get a bank account, your money can just sit in PayPal. Safely. The only downside is that you need bank account before you can get ahold of it. But maybe you can get one right after you leave and link it up to get the money. It’ll take a few days, but it may be your safest option.
If surveys aren’t your thing or aren’t bringing enough, go to Associated Content, Hubpages, etc and write for them anonymously. Again, get paid to your PayPal address. It’s not much, but it’s a start.
If you take your kids to the library, for example, you might be able to do this on the free internet computers while they read.
I don’t recommend hiding money from a non-abusive spouse.
If your spouse has a spending problem, it’s much healthier for your relationship to treat the problem not the symptoms. These are ideas for people who are being physically, psychologically, or emotionally hurt and have given up on the marriage.
Not hiding money doesn’t necessarily mean combining bank accounts in my book, but it means honesty and openness.
Your thoughts?
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Resources:
The Halton Women’s Place has a list of ideas and options for abused women who aren’t able/ready to leave just yet.
End Abuse has a Get Help page with some resources and safety-plan templates.
From the BBC, some information about how to tell if you’re in an abusive relationship. Rule of thumb: If you wonder that you might be, you probably are.
Some ideas on eHow for finding a shelter.
Remember, abuse can be control just as much as it can be violence. One of my roommates was in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship for about a year. Only after she left him did he become violent. She was a smart girl too, even studying to be a social worker. He was a “respectable” guy, studying to be a pastor. Being with an abuser doesn’t make you a bad or weak person. You may need counseling too, but they’re the one with the real problem.
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Great article.
Just for the record – the trusted friend could be male – we are not all abusers after all…
I would suggest setting up a bank account but lie about the address so mail will go to the friend’s house rather than have them own the account.
Mike
I agree, Mike, that male friends can be trusted. My thought on this is that someone in an abusive relationship might have trouble trusting another guy.
I think having it go to the friend’s address should definitely be the first option.
Unfortunately, the bank account/paypal is actually a BAD idea… In case of divorce, lawyers can find out this information, if your name is on the account in any kind of way. Trust me, and then the jerk gets HALF of what you have in there. Whether he/she knows about it or not. And, yes, this is from personal experience. I now have a fireproof safe that I keep somewhere extremely private, and that is the only way I would ever suggest to someone in a serious situation such as this.
Do NOT open a bank account with another address…as your spouse’s credit reports are tied to yours, the address will show up on your report and get carried over to his. Very bad if he happens to pull his credit report!
I would think an online only checking or savings account would be ideal – with no paper statements coming to any mailing address. A safety deposit box at your local bank or credit union can hold a checkbook/debit card and perhaps a small amount of cash to get you out of a bad situation.
@Sarah, I have been told re something else that your spouse’s credit and yours are only joined together when his name is actually on the account too. Otherwise they are separate. Except that debts and funds acquired during the marriage are legally considered shared….
Do you have a separate account that shows up on your spouse’s report? Does someone else want to weigh in on which way this goes?
@Mamaber, that’s a good point about divorce. I was thinking in short term like escaping from the house and not having access to your husband’s bank account (in those situations where husband controls the money entirely) and needing to withdraw cash from an ATM so you’re not broke. In the long run with divorce, it could get messy.
Where would you advise putting the safe? For example, I live in a 1-bedroom apartment and don’t have family nearby. Of course, I haven’t had to hide money either, so I haven’t thought it through as much as someone who needs to hide money.
@Megan, online banking is probably cleanest. Disadvantage is that ING at least verifies addresses through the mail. Of course, one could use another address for that.
In terms of escape-plan type money, a good place would be at a trusted friend’s house (squirrel away cash, plus some clothes, copies of ID/important documents, etc.)
In terms of long-term… I haven’t the foggiest.
A mutual friend sent me this post through StumbleUpon and asked me to chime in, and said she told you she would do so.
Having been in such a situation myself in a previous abusive marriage/relationship, there are a number of things that someone can do to hide money from an abusive husband or wife. (Keywords applied just in case).
A woman that is in an abusive relationship and is trying to escape by hiding money from her spouse may not feel emotionally safe to trust another man.
That is not to say that a man wouldn’t be willing to help her hide money, but a woman that is being abused is much more likely to trust another woman to help her find a hiding place for money.
I was able to hide money from my abusive husband for six months in order to save the money needed to file for divorce and get a restraining order. I did this by secretly working part time during the hours my children were in school, and I was always home before he was, so he never found out about my job (until he received the divorce papers).
My boss knew the situation and was willing to cash my paychecks for me, so I always had cash to deposit/otherwise I would have gone to one of those “check cashing” places. I set up a bank account in my best friends name and her address (I told the bank I was newly separated), and the bank was told NOT to send any statements at all. I was able to access the hidden bank account online (always while at work or at my friends house).
It’s very important that anyone trying to hide money from an abusive husband or wife be very careful not to discuss the escape plans with anyone other than the person helping hide the money. Family members are too emotionally connected to the situation, and the chances of the abusive spouse finding out about the hidden money is very risky.
After two months of saving as much money as possible, I began making advanced payments to my divorce lawyer just to be sure there was no chance of the hidden money being discovered by my husband before I had enough money saved to escape. It worked like a charm! 🙂
There are a lot of issues to be solved hear. One thing I can contribute. There a problem with online accounts and online work earning money. You leave all kinds of traces on your computer of where you have been. Using someone else’s computer or a library computer can solve some of this. Otherwise get some advice from people who understand these things. The radio personality Kim Komando (komando.com) has a lot of tips on avoiding leaving traces and protecting yourselves. Keystroke loggers can even get the details of what you typed including account name and passwords. If the abusing spouse is tech savvy or has tech savvy friends, get some savvy friends yourself to find out how to keep your information private on your home computer or use a public computer or trusted friend’s computer. You don’t want to ‘get caught’ hiding money before you are ready to leave. This could lead to violence and retribution.
Some people recommend that women (or now men) keep their own accounts for protection. This is mostly in the case of sudden death or abandonment where the joint account gets tied up legally for a while. One thing that could be done is open (or keep open) an account ‘back home’. Keep a stash of money there to cover living expenses until probate has progressed enough to get approval to draw on the joint account for living expenses. You could funnel money from online jobs into that account. Keep the account quiet. Let statements go to family members who are instructed to shred them. If you need to flee, take the money out of the account so that it can’t be sequestered by a divorce. If the spouse discovers it, explain that it is sort of life insurance to live on if something horrible happens to him(her). If the spouse wants to join the account, point out that that would cause the account to be frozen at the very time an emergency might happen. Just some ideas. Ask around. There are probably many good ideas around. Be careful, some sound good but may have legal traps in them. You also have to consider taxes on income you earn. Uncle Sam and your local state want their cut.
I’m a social worker. I know this stuff. I can help.
One of the difficulties with battered spouses is one of the ways that they are kept victimized is through isolation, so while it’s helpful if they have family/friends they can trust, they may not (and may have been moved thousands of miles away). If there are not family and friends as options, then it may be possible to start an account (totally different bank/credit union than used otherwise) and use a P.O. box or work address or if necessary address for a homeless mail drop for statements and such. ATM card must be very well hidden or not exist, although the second makes it very difficult to access on off hours.
This needs to be part of a safety plan that’s best discussed with a social worker or other domestic violence type professional.
I’ll keep monitoring this one!
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Ryan M. Suenaga, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
I just wanted to add to the warning about using a home computer. My sister had a crazy boyfriend. He wasn’t physically abusive but he was well… we’ll say stalker like. When her relationship started falling apart he broke into her apartment and installed a back door program that logged her key strokes and sent them somewhere else. He then used that to spy on her email accounts and send her scary “I know what you are doing” emails. The only way she figured it out was because when weird things started happening I had her send me a list of every process on her computer and verified them against known good and bad programs. She had to set up a separate email she only used at internet cafes.
A really good site for information on verbally and physically abusive relationships is http://www.verbalabuse.com . Even for people not in abusive relationships her book “Controlling People” is an eye opener on how much verbal abuse there is in our society and how to constructively deal with it. I think ever parent and teacher or person who has to relate to children should read it to try and unlearn some practices that are common place but so destructive… especially to young people.
I can say from experience that both names do not have to be on the account for the address to be carried over from one credit report to the other. They simply assume that if one spouse is reported as living at a given address, then the other spouse must live there, too.
Mrs. M,
I’ll just watch this post and the interesting comments. I pray my daughters never have to use any of the sound advice that is being given by your readers.
Painful it maybe to some, this is very useful information.
Thanks
Cash Only! If one is trying to plan an escape, there can’t be any kind of paper trail. If you aren’t 100% sure your “stash” won’t be found, then use that trusted friend to keep your cash for you. Save even the coins; they add up fast.
I was thinking that renting a PO Box might be a good idea if you don’t have a work address. Or using a non-existant address. I think it would be easiest to use a paypal account, and/or cash. Get a separate webmail address that is unlikely to be known or guessed by your partner.
Would it be helpful to get a PAYG Sim? – that’s a pretty small thing to hide and you could use that phone number to be contacted on.
“Dad” had a really good point. If you’re going to open an account that would earn interest, make sure you’re leaving before the end of the year or you’ll have a tax statement to explain.
Kudos to you, Mrs. Micah, on getting into this discussion. I hope that person who found your site does the search again! I’d also be really curious how many new search results come up with your site now that you’ve posted on this topic.
Others have said these, but I just want to emphasize:
1. Set up a PO Box to use as a separate address.
2. Set up a safe deposit box using the PO Box address. If possible, head to a neighboring town or city or somewhere near a trusted friend.
3. Put a cash stash in the safe deposit box.
4. If possible, set up an actual bank account at that other bank as well.
5. Stash a safety/emergency bag at a trusted friend’s house. This is for the quick getaway and should include some amount of money, change of clothes, extra medications, etc.
Having worked at a bank, I can say that it is possible to keep these things secret from your spouse. The issue that comes up is if your spouse pulls your credit report (presumably, he knows your ssn).
Wow. Mrs. Micah, I’m regular reader and I have to say when I saw this post, it took my breath away. After seeing the title I immediately clicked off but then revisited and decided to read your post in full.
I am a daughter of a battered wife. My mom and I were both verbally and physically abused by my father when I was a child.
Form personal experience to escape an abusive husband you don’t have to save a dime, you just need to have the confidence and the smarts to escape. And once you gain the knowledge that escape is possible and build up the confidence to leave, just leave don’t stress over hiding money and waiting it out to build up money. Your life is more important than money.
Three would have been no way my mom could have saved or hidden a dime when she was married to my dad. He was so controlling of her every move. He isolated her and moved her away from all of her family and friends. She no longer was able to keep in touch with her family or her friends so going to them for help was impossible.
My mom, knew that something had to change but didn’t know what to do. The final straw, and almost a blessing in disguise, was when my mom was pregnant with my brother and my dad burned her so badly on her stomach that she had to go the emergency room.
A social worker was called. This social worker was amazing she was so peaceful and helpful and gave my mom information about escaping. Of course my dad found out about this and the information was destroyed and my mom punished (further abused) but before then my mom had memorized the telephone number of the agency given to her. One week later my mom kept me out of school and called the help number and sought help at a batter women’s shelter.
If my mom had tried to take us to a friend’s house or a motel or anything other than a safe house guarded by the police, we’d have never made it out. The battered women’s shelter put my mom in touch with an advocacy group where lawyers offered their services for free.
To the women who found your site when searching for “How to Hide Money from an Abusive Husband or Wife”, if you’re thinking of escaping, just do it. You owe it to yourself to get out and if you have kids you owe it to them. Best of luck Searcher, you will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
This is a great, worthwhile post Mrs. Micah!
I actually had a friend in this sort of situation. I advised her to get a safe deposit box(I offered to get it at my bank in my name)and stash all personal items there for emergency-(banking information, emergency cash, pass ports, birth certificate, etc.)
The best way to hide this money is to have it in someone elses name, a trusted friend or family member or even through a victim’s rights advocate program.
You don’t want this person to ever find you again, I assume, so a PO Box is a good idea too.
“But the disadvantage is that you’d have to have her help you get the money out.”
You could get a paper with her signature etc. that allows you to have access to the account.
(I don’t know the English term for it)
“You don’t have to reveal everything, but explain that you don’t want notices coming to your address.”
Banks seem to screw that one up and never get it right. Dangerous!
Better if possible get also a P.O. Box?
“your money can just sit in PayPal”
Don’t you need a credit card for that?
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But then again, the rules and laws in the US are in many cases so much different then in Europe / Germany.
If I have something more popping in my mind, I know where to find this post and will add it.
Cash only? Hundreds and hundreds of dollars are pretty bulky. Who has room to stash hundreds or even a couple thousand dollars in cash safely? Seems like it would be better to have a trusted friend or relative open an account in the friend’s name.
If it’s possible for the woman to get a credit card, it would make sense for her to open a credit card account, have the card sent to someone she trusts, and the instant the card arrives use it to escape. You can charge about everything you need: transportation, lodging, car rental, whatever. And if it’s not in his name, there’s no way he can find out where she went. At least, not for a very long time–he might find out if it showed up on a credit report, but if it’s in her name only, it’s unlikely the card company would give him the details.
Otherwise, if she has parents who still care about her and who can afford it, they might give her one of their own cards for the purpose. Then it would be very hard to trace her.
My parents kept an envelope of cash for a friend of theirs in their safe when she was working to get out of her abusive marriage. It would likely have been better off in a bank, but this way it was easily accessible for her, and her husband had no way to know about it. She slowly stashed it away. And it worked for her – ten years later, she’s divorced and doing great.
if you are abused you may have to leave your home in a hurry and perhaps at an odd time of day…and you most certainly need to have some money to take with you. they make covered coathangers with a secret zipper…hide some money there and hang your coat or sweater on that hanger. other little places to hide money are possible, like food containers in the freezer/frig. make sure you put a housekey copy in with the money. trusting a friend, credit card, etc..are all good but, plain old cash can get you safe and secure quickly and it does not leave a trail to follow.
Ok, so a wealth of good comments here. It’s going to take a little while for me to get them all sorted out. Thanks everyone for participating. And comments are by no means closed, please continue to make suggestions!
@Daughter (comment 19): Thank you.
I’ll reinforce that the #1 priority should be to obtain and memorize the hotline number for a safe house.
Things vary from city to city (and I don’t know very much about how things are in more rural areas), but don’t forget how many resources there are out there dedicated to helping and protecting you leave an abusive situation. Even if you’re not ready to leave yet, calling a hotline can provide personal support and advice, and help you know the resources that will be available to you when you do want to leave.
I have worked in this field and helped people leave abusive spouses. here’s a few tips.
If you contact a womens shelter and talk to a worker you can arrange to have mail sent to the shelter.
Dont make ANY phone calls about leaving on your home phone, delete ALL messages in your mobile phone straight after a call.
Don’t use the home computer for anything to do with leaving. set up a hotmail or gmail address and only use it for your escape plans, only access it at a public computer such as the library. Don’t use it for anything else.
Cash is best. It can’t be traced. Start taking $5-10 a week from grocery money as a start if you don’t work. Otherwise start stashing cash. Babk accounts are too easy for determined spouses to find. Keep cash at a friends place if you can trust them.
Some other ways to hide cash:
buy a big handbag, undo the lining in the bottom, put the notes in their and stitch it back up again, most women take thier bag everywhere so it won’t be noticed. you can also do this with a winter coat, or a suitcase, just open the lining and hide notes inside.
buy a cheap pre paid mobile phone and use it only for calls relating to your escape plan. Leave the phone at work and only use it there. don’t take it home, it’s too risky.
the hardest thing is that you have to keep it secret from all but a closest friend. Contact refuge workers and they WILL help you to plan how to get away.
A few more ideas on hiding places for cash in your home – between the pages of a book, inside a tampon or maxipad box, behind a photo in a picture frame, inside a child’s stuffed toy, in the lining of a diaper bag, inside a box of off-season items (for example, Christmas ornaments or gardening tools). Only you know what areas of the home the abuser doesn’t bother with, so think about what areas make sense for you and are easily accessible for when you need to run. If you are able to work, consider stashing cash in file folders in your desk drawer, locker, or other secured area of your personal workspace. If you have your own vehicle, try stashing money and important documents in the truck in a emergency supply kit if you think he won’t check there.
I’ve also worked in the field, and I have to say it is VERY important to HAVE A PLAN before you run. You might find yourself having to go back to your abuser if you are unable to find a shelter that is open that night, or can’t enroll your child in school without their birth certificate, or feel bad about leaving your grandmother’s necklace and return to get it, or forget to take the keys to the car with you. Remember, most people leave more than once before it “sticks”, so the better your plan, the better your chances of success.
Yes, I managed to get away successfully, but when I enrolled my child in his new school at a new town on the west coast, my husband learned of our child’s location. The new school required the former school’s records. The father of the child with an attorney’s assistance, can legally obtain all information about his child; including the address of the new school. I wept when he appeared unexpectedly at my door. Is there a way this can be overcome?
Get a bank box in someone’s name that you trust. Have them keep the key if you can’t keep it safe. You could also keep document there.
Well, the taking a few dollars from the grocery money is a good idea, but what if they want the change and the reciept when you get back? my dad is very emotionally abusive and always double checks and interrogates me and my mom on every purchase.
Three ideas:
1. Buy EE or I bonds only in your name. No taxes owed until you sell them and they earn decent interest. Do it online and there won’t be any paper around for the abusive spouse to find.
2. Open a Roth IRA. You can withdraw your principal anytime with no tax consequences. Or if you need all the money, you should be gone by the time you owe the taxes.
3. Find a hiding place for ready cash around the house. Use your imagination….false electrical outlets in the garage, inside a heater duct, etc.
Instead of PO Box which is very risky & can be traced, there are safe mail services you can use in some US states:
http://www.casafeathome.org/Safe_at_Home_State_Programs.htm
#38
If your dad double checks the receipt, overbuy something and return it when he is a work – keep the change.
Hello,
I am in an abusive situation and my comments re: these comments are that most of them seem to be extremely unrelated to reality, at least the reality I live in, and I mean absolutely no disrespect at all, because I am very impressed that such a variety of people care enough about this issue to bother to post at all. My mother was severely abused and she did do some of the very same suggestions written here; she took us kids to a friend’s during the day when her husband worked, and saved the money from her part-time job that my father never knew she had to leave him so maybe my first comment was overly harsh. I just know that in my situation things like IRAs and saving $5.00 from the grocery money are totally impossible. My husband controls EVERYTHING including every single penny he makes, and I don’t work because of health issues. I have left him many times and end up coming back because even though I don’t get even close to all my prescriptions with him, I don’t get any without him, because in the state we live in, Iowa, there is no Medicaid unless you have kids or are on SSI. Recently I stayed at a shelter here and they were great at support and I told them about my medicine issue, and it turned out to be exactly the same as it is with my husband; they decided what I could and couldn’t have, based on what they felt like paying for, and they were trying to make plans for me to stay in Iowa, when I keep telling them, just like I keep telling my husband, that I want to go back to CT where I’m from, where my children are and where I can get Medicaid! I know they were trying to help me but it ended up feeling exactly like I already feel, without the fear of angry outbursts and potential ugliness. So my choices are to stay with an increasingly abusive man with my depression reaching dangerous levels or to leave and be sick and in pain at a shelter somewhere; and having been homeless for 6 years before this apartment, it all just really, really makes me feel so hopeless. The suggestions I read here just don’t seem to apply to me. I know this is long and I hope that’s ok.
#44. Honestly, in a situation like yours, if you’re not getting your medicines anyway from your husband, then you might as well take what you can get from the shelter. There’s no doubt that it’s going to be hard, but it’ll be much harder if you end up staying.
Your husband doesn’t want you to get better, that’s why he doesn’t want you to have your meds. At least the shelter is some help. Have you tried asking them about getting moved to a different shelter if you end up going back there? Why not contact your kids/people in CT from the shelter?
Good luck. The link I added as a board that might be of some help.
Write a bunch of cashiers checks to yourself and keep them in a safe deposit box. Check with the bank to make sure there isnt an expiration date on cashing the check, if there is, you will have to cash the check before that date. Plus now you can get online banking with an account and have paperless statements sent to you online.
Hello all,
Good to see sites like this. I have a few tips for anyone who has left an abusive situation and wants to stay “under the radar” for safety reasons, or until court, or to just live more freely.
I only use prepaid Visa cards. I cash my checks at a check cashing location, pay the small percentage, and then load the money onto my card. This way I have monies without having a bank account with name and address.
I didn’t want to be located through my driver’s license so I did two things. First, I relocated to a warmer climate so that riding a bike is year round. Second, I take a cab when shopping, or longer distances. These sound expensive, but when facing the cost of purchasing and maintaining a vehicle, it’s actually a cheap alternative. And I did not have to renew my license.
I rent from a landlord who was agreeable to putting my utilities in his name for the same fee the utility companies wanted. I also agreed to show him the paid receipts every few months or so. Now I can’t be tracked through those.
I also do not use my real name on any social sites such as FaceBook. I also do not post any pictures of myself. My ex is computer savvy so I make sure that I cannot be located that way either.
If you are considering leaving the situation, there are safe houses that will take you in and can help you for a short time to save up a little bit. It is surprising how little we actually need. In my case, to start over, I shopped at the Goodwill store and now have things far nicer than I was allowed to have before. Most importantly, I can breathe.
Good luck folks! Life can be sweet……………..oh, and I got a dog, a big one, lol
There are some good tips here, but I would like to add a couple thoughts.
If you are married and in an abusive relationship use caution if you decide to open a bank account. Credit reporting agencies may report some things on your spouses credit report for the simple fact that you are married to them. This may give away your secret and probably result with more abuse and/or punishment.
A method someone close to me used, was to tape money such as a $20 bill underneath a drawer so it could not be found. If too many bills accumulate you can take them to a bank and trade them up for larger bills and tape those underneath instead. You can hide a thousand dollars or more underneath a single drawer such as a nightstand or dresser.
Remember that not all the tips given to you will be the best for you. Each of you that are battered or in an abusive relationship should take the tips given to you and decide which ones will work best for you. However it is good to have a large arsenal of tips that you can choose from. I know it is hard to leave an abusive relationship for many reasons and each situation is unique. Stay focused on the objective no matter how long it may take and eventually you will reach it and it will get better. I wish the best to you all. Hope any info I have given helps.
Regards,
John
After my post I noticed the suggestions about the bank accounts and one post suggesting that they only report if they are tied together. In my experience working for a collection agency, they link people together simply by them living at the same address as you. This often results in improper reporting to a credit reporting agency. When that happens its up to you to dispute it and have it removed. I know its wrong, but collection agencies can be shady and do whatever it takes to get that money. That’s a whole other discussion and I don’t want to get off topic. As another person posted in this thread try the prepaid card method. Its easy and all you have to do is hide the card.
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