I don’t think I’ve done that in 2 years, not since I worked through most of my major depression. Back then I used to cry for hours at a time and sometimes in public. Now it’s more like minor/medium depression, manageable with no crying. But today was a special case. As you can see from my posts, the work week hasn’t been hellish or anything but it’s been difficult. I’ve had a lot of emotional, physical, and even spiritual energy drained by trying to learn all these new things and to excel. All that landed on my head today when I got sick.
The morning and afternoon were good, I spent them meeting with Franciscan friends. Quite a wonderful and spiritually renewing time. Probably took more physical and emotional energy…not something that would normally be a problem but not a good thing under the circumstances.
I have a persistent cough, ever since I had a bad bad flu when I was 12 (?). It doesn’t show up except when I’m tired and it had become more common this week. After dinner it was getting bad enough that I decided to get some medicine. One “secret of adulthood” in Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project is that “Over-the-counter medicines are very effective.” Very true.
But when you buy cough medicine, they card you. I was already wanting to be in and out since I was feeling so crappy. And then the lady wanted to have a conversation with someone else rather than card me. Then she couldn’t find my birthdate. By that time I was feeling so bad that I just started crying. Fortunately, Mr. Micah was there and gave her his license. He then took me home and helped me take anti-depressants and cough meds. Then he snuggled me. I’m very grateful for that. I felt that I had reached a breaking point, a psychological crash.
Kind of pissed with meth-makers and anyone else who uses cough syrup illictly for making this whole thing so hard! Also hoping that the next week will be easier. I’ve taken positive steps to enjoy work more and as I learn things I think it’ll take less emotional energy. Plus I’m also learning how to spend my downtime at work without seeming like I’m completely ignoring my job.
It’s all about a little notebook. Unobtrusive, somehow doesn’t seem as bad as surfing the web. I do various things in it–prayer drawing, writing down thoughts or ideas, and capturing specific ideas for books and things I want to write. Started that on Friday and it made me feel happy, spiritually connected, and useful. Plus, I felt less like I was doing something shady than when I read blogs.
Post-crying accomplishment #1: Self-medicated with chocolate and made progress on my quilting. That helped me feel successful and like I was doing good for others with my talents. (I’m thinking of selling this quilt on Etsy.com, did I mention that? My end goal is to sell it and donate most of the money to a relief organization. I’ll probably retain a bit to put towards supplies for the next one. I also make quilts to give away.)
Post-crying accomplishment #2: Almost done making a very yummy-smelling soup. Lentils and Rice along with vegetables and such.